Lave

You know when you are reminded of the unrequited person you just sat in “Neutral” with? You subconsciously torture yourself when unavoidable images of this someone pop up every so often.  You should but yet you can’t look away.

Lave

Kilometers apart in physical, interwebs bring you back inch by inch

A million calendars retired yet ever still mental bruises yield pinch

Years long desire insatiate, firm zippers left cinched

Pouring syllables unspoken onto screens, imaginary nooses ready to lynch

Every tongue-tied encounter remembered, your eyes on me still now felt

Each comment ignored, each phone call never logged, stings like fresh welts

Nightmares of servile rakes pushing up, a bevy of seedy sirens, svelte

That ambush eagerly and remain barnacles, tightening grips on belts

While I kneel on tiles dirty, picking up discards from unlucky hands dealt

Peacock fluffed to the world but the exposed spot you touched lies concave

Right as you left it, refusing to face you were in love as a man brave

Knowing full well, gaffes forgiven, we are what each other craves

No matter who barricades the way home, this will never lave

Into my hands, let your heart leap

Into my head, your whole conscience seeps

Into my eyes, gaze and reveal inner thoughts deep

Into my ears, whisper secrets I’ll forever keep

Into my arms, rest your troubles and together we’ll sleep

Stifle

As a creative person, one of the worst things you can feel is no one’s listening, like your ideas are not being valued etc. Some claim to want diversity but they mean diverse people JUST LIKE THEM. Have been in this situation lately, inspiring the following:

Stifle

Stifle me all you want, in the end I win

Claiming you’re unique but are just trapped in the same skin

A servant to obey your commands and chill with your nepotistic kin

With a laugh and roll of the eyes, have moved onto the next thing

Left in your insulated ignorant igloo looking like cloned twins

Futile are your creative attempts to smother

Perhaps you should try your strategies on another

Don’t need association with wolf backstabber mothers

They invite you in innocently and offer camaraderie like brothers

Then when challenged, you use intimidation tactics, banding with others

Whispering in your tight clique, the evil source

Schoolyard adolescent mean bullies without remorse

Staying for abuse is not something I will endorse

It’s clear I’m not meant to walk your hackneyed course

Like magnets repelling, too opposite is my force

Having actual thoughts and opinions proved my demise

Off the beaten route I’ll randomly skip, looking up at bright skies

Ass kiss I will not, not hiding behind friendly disguise

Continuing along the lane, have no doubt I’ll find rebel allies

Who also see through the BS and refuse to only answer in yes replies

Chasm

You know when you come across an album that is timeless and always manages to have the perfect sentiment for any occasion? The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill for me is such a treasure. “Tell Him” and “Nothing Even Matters” in particular inspired the following.

Chasm

Cross the chasm and reach for me

Into one last breeze, I’ll drop this final plea

Private moments, unshared jokes escape away woefully

The one you think you know, the one you supposedly see

Waits for your proximity in my vicinity

Millions of reasons listed why this would be all wrong

But it means nothing when you and I just plain ole belong

Jumping mind and physical location hurdles, peas in pods strong

Deadlines fade as what was meant naturally aligns like prongs

Only lost in one another, even among huge crowds and throngs

Traverse the split and find me bare

The shy pensive mixed girl with curly hair

Vacillating between calmly poised or hyperaware

Matching oblong or hexagonal shapes among thinly lined squares

Absconding away, out of reach from opinions and stares

No longer requiring all conditions to be precisely correct

Like flu potent, your immunity already compromised as I infect

Dirty endeavors to undertake as wild and fervent prime suspects

Lost time made up quickly, elapsed periods of prior neglect

Once enveloped in each other, our intimate cocoon we must protect

Future mistakes unsoldered and cliché oaths you do not need

Pupils unveil all unspoken, no caution left to heed

We relinquish control, que sera, sera automatically leads

Finally surrendering to biological lusts and greed

Cross the chasm as all hesitations dissolve, forever freed

Chasm crossed and there we’ll be

Hypocrite

The winding down of 2012 brings a perfectly natural period of reflection. It comes with the territory. Assessments of self and relationships with others. Been thinking a lot lately about how much I let things roll off and frankly, how irritating certain people can be who need constant validation. The folks who do mundane zzzz things and then five minutes later have to tell everyone about everything or else it never happened.

But then this word came to mind: Hypocrite. We’ve (I included) all been guilty. What makes someone else holier than thou? Came across this quote recently from Bob Marley:

“Who are you to judge the life I live? I am not perfect and I don’t want to be! Before you start pointing fingers, make sure your hands are clean”.

Enough said.

Hypocrite

Subconsciously gathering internal venom, ready to spit

The truth dawned abruptly; we, they, you and I are all hypocrites

Will say and think the worst about women wearing high slits

The need for vain attention in criticism, one would never admit

Crumbling the halo on your head, bit by bit

 

Perceiving a higher position morally but you are no better

Conveniently omitting indiscretions and own faults in public letters

But OMG, “Aren’t I adorbs?! Look at me in this new sweater!”

Physical distance no matter, scour far and wide for ego petters

Extricating the enlightened “us” from pitiful “them”, removing the fetter

 

Denouncing the evil others when you’re equally the source

Fake smiles in person but talking sh-t behind backs without remorse

Could recognize the type within minutes, perfectly fine with the divorce

Pats and pounds up front, smack and flack in the back, par for the course

Text pings lauding meat, sugar and fat free glorification to which we are forced

 

Was a time not too long ago where I’d willing partake

But unlike you, realize we live in glass houses, with one rock to break

Shook myself awake, cleaning accountable yards with my own rake

New year with new links on the rise, now removing hidden flakes and snakes

The company kept speaks volumes, affecting statements I’ll choose to make

 

Of all labels imposed, hypocrite is the one I quit

With compliments and unsolicited praise I will take hateful hits

Not blowing smoke for anyone’s sake, prove to self what I commit

Farces wrapped and done, no more fame-seeking queens and skits

Gloss and mitts off, exposing real grime and grit

Nobody I Am

Consciously choosing to enter a field full of frenemies and fake folks who only speak to you when they need something could cause one to lose perspective. Quick. Especially, on the flip side of the equation, when rejection from perfect strangers tied to people you don’t know and sometimes thought you knew, happens. Frustrating, hurtful, amusing.

Silence deafens, your “people” disregard my worth, “so called” nobody I am

Not connected to your famous circle so you don’t give a damn

Head swollen by the fawning of indulgent sheep and lambs

Entourage escorts, protective leeches made you a cocky ham

Shoved off to the “you’re who? you don’t matter” pile like spam

The syncophants attached pump you up and gave you height

Forgetting this world isn’t real and the humble one’s lost sight

Gone is the person I met and whose spirit I loved that one faithful night

Replaced by a performing monkey now fed puppet approved soundbytes

Situation too comical now to be full of jealous spite

Enjoying ephemeral notoriety from wintry shore to exclusive coast

When bored, notching occasional groupie marks in your bedpost

Moving among the elite who use your name for fame and play hosts

But will discard your ass the next min you’ve over, no longer boast

The brief success you had they’ll claim now but soon won’t toast

Once you land back on Earth with a thud, then you’ll recognize the sham

Content I’ll stay on the bottom of the totem pole or sea dwell like a clam

Thankful now to remove the superficial toxicity, away I purposely swam

Outsider I’ll remain, watching others fight for your attention, crammed

Not mad or sad, I smile and gladly stand alone, the proud nobody I am

Scrape

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be someone else? Not in the celebrity or “this person has material possessions I covet” sense. I mean in the emotional sense. The person who goes through life with his/her dial on 5 out of 10. The one who picks the nearest person as a companion and lives in the perpetual state of “Meh”. Thinking back, I’ve only had awkwardly passionate affairs (not cheating ones) because I don’t know how else to be. Thought about the other side of the fence- being drone like.

Wanting, yearning, craving what I should not, my heart on hidden sleeve I scrape

Moments slipped through sieve, I stood silent, words trapped like mouth taped

Ashamed I couldn’t strut confidently like the rest, hands on their bony hipped shapes

Only seeing frizz, freckles, moles and protruding bulges, cracks and holes that gape

Def not “the chosen”, sadly picturing the touch of your lips on someone else’s nape

Did you even notice I’m no longer in sight?

Real connections formed and disappeared immediately from fright

The need to leave before being left caused flight

But no harm done cause girls easily come and go, right?

Never having to apologize because they’ll absolve without and hold tight

Smart enough to spot but incapacitated by feelings immense

Against will, an irrational glimmer returns me promptly with weakened defense

Never getting closure, causing the mind to wander, stuck in perpetual suspense

A sound woman interprets lack of action and says, “WTF, am I dense?”

Postulating “If he loved me too, I’d know” and takes offense

Dignity and pride forfeiting the ultimate expense

Perhaps one day I’ll find a way to shut off, fervently love not and escape

Methodically and mechanically functioning, under emotionless cloak could I drape?

Probably not, maddening intensity exists in my DNA so I resemble a pathetic, messy crepe

The one whose strange flavor will be strawberry mango when everyone else is orange or grape

She with knees, shins, elbows and battered heart on hidden sleeve I scrape

(Stay) Back.Ground.

It’s interesting how different public and private lives can be. Some folks are shocked to discover I can be really shy and introverted given what I do. But every ying has a yang. Especially being around Hollywood where it’s easy for the people with haves to make the have nots feel invisible. This concept inspired the following:

Watching your words in the air echo, rhythmic traveling sounds

Incognito among the adoring several that surround

Fighting the urge to turn around, about face, return home bound

When your eyes encounter mine, I look down, really wishing among the sea to be found

I fade into the (stay) back. Ground.

 

On processed paper pulp, polar end opposites

Overwhelming inquisitiveness burning, speculating how we’d fit

Mesmerized by your modest charm and unpredictable wit

With plenty of women at your feet, perhaps I should split

I fade into the (stay) back. Ground.

 

No, I do want you close, climbing the walls of my annex

Analyzing my every thought and move, flustered and vexed

Finding you adorable, wondering if you’ll call or text

Not wanting to become ensnared but helpless against the cerebral hex

I fade into the (stay) back. Ground.

 

Will my corneas finally divulge what my heart longs to utter and say?

Perhaps my mispronounced nervous declarations and consonants will betray

Eloquence will evaporate; and there I’ll stand, like a lumpy mound of clay

Expecting you’d shun, laugh and dismiss, not beautifully perfect, instead slightly frayed

So I’ll forever fade into the (stay) back. Ground.

Vete y Vaya

Free time is a double-edged sword. It provides time to reflect but also time to revisit regret. Being alone with one’s thoughts can be dangerous.

It’s become crystal; saw what you wanted to, suddenly lucid

Ultimately scared to trigger the pistol and never did

Frightened of the results, not really a grown man, like a spoiled little kid

Timidly tripping over verbal attempts to connect but just backslid

Removing traces of your presence, anything tied to you, I must rid

 

Both afraid to peel away layers to reveal what was beneath

Mutual attraction felt but never joining like sword in sheath

Our future soil’s laid, seeds planted but left to die on untilled heath

No mugs of cocoa or eggnog clinking, no door hanging wreath

Once awkward looks and smiles, replaced with scowls and gritting teeth

 

Selecting the convenient choice, easy lay with things in common

Small-town, nerdy girl to go on the mantle who always gives in

Ideal dimensions and temperament, family approved and perfectly thin

The one who folds neatly into the life-building plan, pocket squared like a napkin

Get ready to put a ring on it when she gets tired of living in sin

 

Releasing scorn as the painful words scorch the screen

Stifling pointless feelings, feeding on mutual insecurities like gangrene

Chance lost, no in between, missing the value in this queen

No more wallowing away, releasing anger, numbing codeine

Clawing out of the self-imposed emotional ravine

Dusts settle back to earth as I force you to leave my conscience serene

Me L U L She

Saw “Not Another Teen Movie” again recently as it always makes me laugh. It parodies all of the cheesy 80′s and 90′s teen romance movies. You know the ones with a convenient love triangle with the protagonist lusting for the hot yet sensitive and misunderstood guy/girl. The person that is never supposed to be you.  At what point do you say “Um, I’m good. Buh-bye”? Wondered about that very dilemma.

Coming to the realization I could never compete

Brain and bleeding heart debating if it’s time to admit defeat

Fighting a one-person battle, like using a feather to break through concrete

Wrong hair, wrong color, wrong age, wrong size, qualifications I couldn’t meet

In love with someone chasing a ghost he wishes would sit in that empty seat

Instead of this girl, unrequited to the nth decimal, the emotional knife slivers

Core aches to the organelle, misplaced desire quivers

Knowing the exact distance in meters between us, always the giver

Silently communicating expectations, wanting you to deliver

Your grieving, fractured soul to my doorstep, with fingertips that would make me shiver

Praying for the forever that will never arrive

Foolishly gripping flickers of us, unsure if the diminishing faith is still alive

Losing strength, you pining for the other, feeling deprived

Viewing your repeated failed attempts with her, to recapture something that will never be revived

Stubbornly rejecting men who want what you abused, would give anything for my drive

But you know what?, that shit ends now

Being shoved off to the side for an invisible ex long gone, I will no longer allow

Moving onto a man who aims to satisfy and automatically knows how

No more doing the same over and over,  laying down this vow

Welp, this isn’t fun so peace. Ciao.

Fret

Really should be sleeping at this moment being it’s the middle of the night but felt compelled to write after watching some episodes of the first season of “The Misadventures of Awkward Black Girl”, which hilariously follows the life of a girl dealing with daily BS of work, friendship and love in a completely relatable, awkward (duh) way.

Having heard a lot of love songs over the last couple of days again and seeing that it took the main character a long time to resolve her love triangle with both Jays but ultimately following her heart, choosing who would make her the happiest in the end, led me to write the following:

Fret

Quietly entered, trying to blend in, but his eyes instantly glimpsed my silhouette

Electricity passed, surprisingly getting an answer to a question unasked yet

The silly romantic heart secretly placing one final bet

Against all logical odds, the shaky hand spun again, playing fiery roulette

Unfinished business, air left uncleared, pent up need unmet

Several near misses, dancing around things unsaid like pirouettes

Charmed but bewildered by clumsy gestures and gapes at this brunette

Large doubts suspiciously casted, am the opposite of the desired tiny obedient pet

Emotional, random, moody, at times like an unwound cassette

Not expecting one to go beneath the tough surface, ignoring fake threats

Acting like the rest, finding the nearest exit

A magical few hours fell apart due to a play of power

Disruptions of the flow, surprisingly making the mood go sour

Suddenly put on the spot, empathizing with the inadvertent body cower

Misinterpreting my actions and fueling the tension with a glower

Receiving blame unfairly, leaving in the lurch to a safe bower

Retreating away, licking invisible miscom wounds, upset

Chips cleared from the table, ball fell on red, guess we’ll probably never get

What could have been all along, hand in hand, beach sunsets,

All because we let, things slip away again, instead we’ll live to regret